


Where's Benny?

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-05-03
Updated: 1999-05-03
Packaged: 2018-11-10 18:37:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11132487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Ray's point of view of the events in "Let No Man..." This story is a sequel to Let No Man Put Asunder.





	Where's Benny?

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Where's Benny?

**Be forewarned this is a tame male/male piece. It is hurt/comfort.**

Hello there. I was inspired to write "WHERE'S BENNY?" after reading Elaine Walker's very moving and sad story LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER, which was posted on this list a short time ago. It left me with some questions that I *needed* answers to and well I wasn't sure if she was going to write a sequel, so I played around with some of the teases she gave us in the story. Like - What was the deal with Ray moving out of the Vecchio house? How did he get hurt in the first place? How did they convince Ray that Benny had left him? Why was Mrs Vecchio so pleased at one point when she left Ray's hospital room? What were the consequences of Ben's handcuffing himself to Ray? 

Elaine had also made a remark at the beginning of LNMPA that: " i've noticed that in most of the m/m stories Ben and Ray's friends and/or relations either accept the situation calmly or they don't know about it. in real life it's not always that simple and i wanted to write about that." She's right, so I tried to explore it from that angle too. 

I noticed that her story was from Ben's perspective throughout as well. So I kept asking myself what's going on with Ray? So I approached her story from Ray's perspective and wrote "WHERE'S BENNY?" as a companion piece to her's. 

When I did, I wrote an e-mail to Elaine to praise her for writing LNMPA, which I enjoyed thoroughly. I said to her: "I ended up writing a companion piece to it, just one more section to go to wrap it up But I won't post it. Because it will definitely pale in comparison and I figured you may have plans to continue this story? Hint, hint. I wrote it just to get it out of my system (its from Ray's perspective. Big surprise hunh?;- >). Maybe I'll share it with just you some day. If it doesn't bother you that I was inspired to write it because of your story." 

I didn't send her a copy of my story. She's never read it. She wrote back: " bother me? are you kidding? i'm honoured! i am thinking about writing a follow up, and yes, it will be from Ray's point of view. maybe we could post them both at the same time? i really think you should post yours too." 

Just read my e-mail today and saw she e-mailed me again last night saying: "i've just posted my sequel to DIEF (it's called Recovery... how original!) and i would LOVE to see yours there too! if you've finished it please, please, please post it. i'd really love to read it. i'll nag if necessary...." 

I saw RECOVERY sitting in my e-mail box today too and I'm chomping at the bit to read it. I haven't read any part of it yet since we e-mailed and we haven't discussed any story ideas or plots. We worked independently on these. Didn't want to interfere with each other's story ideas. I plan to read her's when I've finished sending "WHERE'S BENNY?". I'm looking forward to it. 

So she won't nag,;-) my companion piece to her story follows this introductory comments post in 4 parts. With many thanks to Elaine for inspiring this in the first place and being so gracious about sharing her story with me. I hope I do her and the story justice. Desi 

PS And its sappy. Also there's a little in-joke to all you people who have mentioned wanting chocolate covered mounties (and cops);-> Oh yeah, biggest warning. I'm long-winded and ramble, as you probably could guess from this introduction. "WHERE'S BENNY?" is about 27 pages long by my text reader. Don't say I didn't warn ya.;-) Comments always appreciated. 

# "WHERE'S BENNY?"

Deep down - where he wanted to keep this thought buried - Ray Vecchio had always known it would just be a matter of time. That the high he was on, since Benny became his lover, was just too good to stay the way it was. He had hoped it would have lasted longer than this though. Just under six weeks wasn't long enough. He was brought back to reality with those 5 words he dreaded ... "Ray we need to talk." 

The last time his mother's voice sounded that serious and worried was the day she found out he had enrolled in the Police Academy. He hadn't told his parents about it right away. Just did it and kept quiet about it. Had wanted to do it for a long time. He'd already wasted, or so he thought, 2 years at college, with no intent of really going any further. That's not what he wanted; that's what his parent's wanted for him. 

He had been 21 years old then, living at home, so his parents thought they could still make his choices for him. But he was an adult, he had the right to make his own decisions and own up to the consequences of them for himself. He felt he didn't need his parents consent to live his life as he saw fit. 

He hadn't intended not to tell them. They would have found out one way or another eventually. But he had been hesitant to tell them, because he knew how they would react - especially his father. His father would turn red in the 

face trying to talk him out of it. Talk him out of it? Yell him out of it was more likely. His father's views on the police force were well known to him - and anybody who'd listen - since as long as he could remember. 

But here he was now, lying in bed, wide awake at 3 AM, with his arms behind his head, staring through the dark towards the ceiling and feeling like that unsure of himself 21 year old once more. Worried all over again about how he could work out his latest life's choice with his family... or if he even could. 

Like before he pondered yet another major turning point in his life and wished he knew what the best course of action would be. He ran through the earlier portion of the evening, before he escaped to Benny's, in his head. He'd been rerunning it over and over since. He'd been distracted the whole time he was with Benny afterwards, but afraid to talk about what happened with his lover. But Benny had noticed his mood and wanted to know what was wrong. Ray made up some inane lie instead, because he didn't want to spook or lose his lover over this. Figured it was a family problem that he could work out on his own. 

It had been when everyone in his family - except him he'd believed - had gone out to the Italian festival at their church that night. He thought his mother went too, but when he eagerly and cheerfully bound down the steps on his way over to see Ben, she'd been waiting for him at the foot of the stairs. It had startled him and he came to a worried slow stop near the bottom when he saw that look on her face. "Ma? What's wrong? Oh god, is someone hurt?" That's when she'd beckoned him into the living room with those five dreaded words. 

She'd motioned for him to sit on the couch and she took up a seat next to him, grasping one of his hands in both of her own. She couldn't look him in the eye. That was not a good sign. She also hadn't said another word since the stairwell. For a long minute she just stared at his hand in her's. "Ma?" he prodded with concern. "What do we need to talk about?", he asked suspiciously. His heart was racing and he had a feeling he knew what was coming, especially when she swallowed once, then mustered the courage to look at him and spoke. "You know I love you?" He nodded his assent. "No matter what sin you may have committed... I love you." 

She caressed his cheek, when he cast his eyes down to the floor and briefly closed them with a soft resigned sigh. His silence and expressive face confessed to her she was right in her belief he and Ben were indeed lovers. Feeling more confident in her deduction, she continued. "But god loves you too. And I know you know that its a sin in his eyes to... um..." she was having trouble with this part "...to have the kind of... *love*... that you share with Benton." He swallowed at the lump that formed in his throat. 

Knowing him so long and so well, she'd noticed too many subtle clues that added up to a certain deduction. It was eerie how well she picked up on things and summed them up the way she had. It wasn't the first time Ray wondered if his detective instincts were genetically passed on from her. 

"Caro, you know this mustn't continue. You'll be damned." She was crying as she spoke. "Please. End this now and come with me to see father Rinaldi. He can help you... I will help you." 

He looked over at her sad face and he wanted so much to tell her what she wanted to hear, but couldn't. Ray hated to see his mother unhappy and thought at one time he would have done anything in the world to make her happy, but what she was asking of him now wasn't possible. There was no way he could leave Benny. Not now. Not ever. At first when he and Ben discovered their true feelings for each other, he didn't even think about the religious or social implications of what he was doing. He was too wrapped up in the exquisite dreamlike reality that Ben loved *him*. That Ben could want to make love to *him*. The amazingly wonderful part of it all had been that he knew as soon as they started this affair, that he desired Ben as well and wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. Being with Ben had always felt right. But being Ben's lover had made him feel complete. 

Yet he loved his family too, especially his mother, and the confrontation this evening was gnawing at him. It had ended badly. He could hear himself confess out loud to someone other than Ben for the first time, "I love him ma. I can't help the way I feel. I know without any doubts he loves me too. Why'd god let me fall in love with him then? No. I'm sorry ma. If I'm damned, so be it. Because I won't ever leave him." She'd slapped him hard then and went out of the room in a fit of tears, never once looking back. If she had she would have seen the devastated look on his own face. 

The bed stirred next to him. It was Ben, almost instinctively moving in closer to Ray as he shifted in his sleep. Ray moved his hands from behind his head. Slowly and gently he manuevered himself like a second skin to his lover's body, never once causing him to awaken. Ray smiled when he heard Ben's soft contented sigh, when he was comfortably in place and had started to fall asleep as well. 

He'd worry about his family later. Right now he only wanted to think of the man who fit into his heart and life like no one ever had or could. Besides he had come to a decision. He would move out of the Vecchio home. So what if it was his inheritance from his father. He wanted Ben more than he wanted that house. More than he'd ever wanted anything his entire life. Eventually his mother would have to understand and see how special Ben was to him. This was more important than when he was trying to convince her of his desire to be a police officer, which she also disapproved of originally. It had taken a long time for them to reach an understanding over that choice of his too, but they had. Perhaps one day she'd do the same over his choosing to have a relationship with Ben. 

******************************** 

It had taken a little over a week for Ray to find a new place to live. He'd always had it in mind, even before the falling out with his mother, to move into a place of his own. He'd especially entertained this thought that time Carver had come too close to his family. The frightening memories of Carver's doing mechanical work on Ray's Riv in their driveway, in order to taunt him over the phone about it; or Frannie letting that psycho into their home thinking he was a floral delivery man; but the thing that really did it to him every time and sent shivers down his spine whenever he thought of it, was his niece's baby stroller strapped with explosives. It was after that he'd experimented with living on his own, by volunteering shortly thereafter to house-sit his cousin Al's home, while Al and his wife visited relatives in Italy for a month. The time away had been good, but he soon missed the bustle and comforting sounds of his family around him. Now though he wasn't leaving for the reason he thought he would, but because he no longer felt comfortable in his own home with his own family. 

Maria and Frannie had known something had happened. They couldn't help but notice, because Ray and their mother had barely spoken to each other since that night. When they did it was short and to the point, usually her telling him to see father Rinaldi. Ray had gradually started to avoid the family more and more. Filling that time away from them with over time at work or searching for a place or spending more time and some nights with Benny. 

He had slipped up in front of Benny a few times during that time with melancholy or overly pensive moods. Enough so the ever observant Ben had taken notice and voiced his concern a couple of times. It was a good thing that Ian MacDonald wasn't the only one who could come up with a convincing lie. 

Ray had thought about telling Ben the truth, but how could he tell him that Ben was no longer welcome in the Vecchio's home. For the time being, Ray had fed him a line about being worried they'd be found out if Ben came to dinners there now. Opting not to tell him that he was no longer welcome as a part of their family as he'd once been. Ben's not having a family of his own, Ray had seen how much his friend had loved being a part of the Vecchio's. 

Besides it was hard enough for Ray to deal with the pain of it. It would hurt twice as much if Ben were going through this with him right now. No, it was for the best that he didn't tell him yet. Eventually he would, but not now. He'd find a way to gradually break it to Ben, once he was established in his new home and had had enough time to come to terms with the rejection himself first. In that way he figured he could be stronger for the both of them, when Ben would have to go through the first taste of rejection of their lifestyle. 

******************************** 

All he heard was a loud bang ringing in his ears and there was the sensation of falling. It was taking so long to fall. What was happening? Then he remembered in a rush that he'd been shot at on top of that roof, but why'd it take so long to hit the floor? He opened his eyes and almost thought they were still shut, it was so dark where he was. He'd fallen over the edge of the roof and landed awkwardly sprawled on a metal fire escape balcony below. He heard gunfire being volleyed back and forth. Then there was silence, followed by a call for him. But he couldn't manage much more than a choked garbled "I'm here Benny.", when he heard someone approach him from above. Then there was a muttered, "Oh god.", followed by a gentle worried voice. "No Ray. Its Jack. Fraser's not here. Remember?" Ray tried hard to focus on the person above him and make sense of what his stake-out partner just told him. He cried out when hands put pressure on his chest. There was so much pain there. Pain all over, but especially there. *Must be where the bullet went in*, he thought to himself. 

He made a concerted effort to get his next words out. He had to know. "Where's Benny?" Benny was always there with him when there was trouble. He wanted him there so badly. If Ben were there, he knew things would be alright. Bad things always worked out right in the end whenever Ben was around. He could hear Jack talking professionally but keyed up into his cellular phone. "Officer down!" Then there was information and directions given and he could swear he heard him close the call unprofessionally with a growled. "Get the hell over here NOW!" He didn't get the answer to his question from before, so he tried to ask again. Huey leaned in close to him when he noticed he wanted to say something. "Where's Benny?" Jack soothed his wounded friend with a lie, since he hadn't yet spoken to Fraser. "Shhh. He's not far. He's coming. He'll be here soon." Ray was placated with that answer as he drifted into darkness. 

*********************************** 

There was something happening to him. He felt a tug, from nowhere and everywhere all at once. Then the tug was replaced by a panic. Did he forget how to breathe? It felt as if a weight was pressing down on his chest, squeezing the last bits of air out of him. He couldn't open his eyes, but could hear a flurry of people all around him. He wanted to scream up to them for help, but his throat was paralyzed. Then there was a rush of something - oxygen?- through his whole body and the weight was thankfully removed. He could breathe again. The breaths were ragged gulps at first then settled to a mostly normal rhythm again. 

The noise of the people around him lessened, but one voice cut through the others. It sounded like Benny angry and yelling from a distance away. That couldn't be right? Benny was never angry like that and never yelled. But he heard it again and a commotion from somewhere nearby as other loud voices overpowered Benny's. But Ray's fogged senses and overwhelmed body soon had him unconscious again. 

************************************* 

His eyes fluttered open. He felt like death warmed over and then some. His eyes wouldn't focus on anything. Everything was a blur. But he felt a hand on his own. His heart jumped at the touch. *Must be Benny.* Turning his head slightly, without much success, he wanted to see him. Huey had said he was coming, so he'd carried that thought with him since he could remember blacking out on that fire escape. His face must have registered puzzlement at who was there with him, because Benny wasn't the one holding his hand. Benny wasn't anywhere that he could see. He tried to speak, but the words came out too soft. His mother's voice? "What was that caro?" She leaned close to his lips. In her ear he whispered again. "Where's Benny?" She pulled away abruptly as if burned and started to cry. Frannie was there immediately, placing her arm around her mother's shoulders as she led her out of the ICU. Exhausted from just this first brief moment of consciousness, he closed his eyes and slept deeply again. But this time restlessly, since his question hadn't been answered. 

************************************** 

He was running a high fever. In his sleepy delirium, he imagined Ben was there with him. Much to his mother's dismay, who was actually the one with him at the moment, she kept hearing snatches of his mumbling out his lover's name. Occassionally laughing or talking as if Ben were really there. This only made the kneeling woman beside his bed, with rosary beads laced through her hands, pray harder. 

When she wasn't at Ray's bedside, Mrs Vecchio could be found in the waiting room with other members of her family or in the small hospital chapel praying. She constantly prayed that her son would be spared so that he could confess and absolve his sin. Her biggest fear being that Ray would die and not have been forgiven and therefore be damned in the afterlife. The thought of it terrified her and drove all of her actions. 

She wished that Ben would leave. His insistence on being here and seeing her son, even when she told him that it was their *love* which was killing him, wouldn't make him budge. She wanted him to see, like she did, that the devil was at work making them love each other as they had. Her son being on the verge of death now was divine punishment for what they had done. She wasn't about to let him anywhere close to Ray. They'd already been contaminated enough. His presence, which at one time would have comforted and strengthened them at a time like this, now only upset and weakened them all. She wasn't a normally cruel woman, but she was a woman of strong will and faith, who loved her son. 

If that love for him caused her to be hard on Ben and her son than so be it. She was doing it to protect them both. Why couldn't he see that? Why wouldn't he leave? 

************************************** 

Opening heavy eyelids, he turned his head to the side to see his sister Francesca seated in a chair by his bed reading one of her trashy romance novels. Although he was happy to see her, he still felt disappointment that it wasn't Ben there instead. He rasped out. "So has he ravished her yet?" 

Frannie startled, then looked over at him giving him a beautiful smile, glad to see that he was awake and aware of his surroundings for the first time. She laughed lightly as she got up, placed the book down on the chair, and stood by the bed. Placing a gentle hand on his good arm, his other was covered in a cast from his hand to his elbow, she replied. "Yeah, in the first chapter. Now I'm at the part where she bears his illegitimate love child, but tells him its his best friend's kid." He tried to chuckle, but stopped thinking better of it, when he felt the painful pulling in his chest. Her face changed immediately to one of concern. "How ya doing? Can I get you anything?" Ray grimaced up at her in obvious discomfort. "Yeah you can get me something." She looked eager to do whatever he bid. 

Francesca hated seeing him in the state he was in and was still fearful for him. The doctor said that he still wasn't out of the woods yet. "What?" With his eyes he had her follow his gaze to the cast on his arm, the bandages on his chest, the wiring and tubing coming out of him. "A new body." She gave him a compassionate smile, then a dark cloud crossed her face, when he asked. "Is Benny around?" She recovered her composure quickly, but he'd caught the way her face registered that something was wrong. *Must be she knows about us now too.* is what he put it down to. 

Frannie hedged the question when she answered. Uncertain how to respond to him, after what her mother had had them all promise. That being if he asked about Ben, they were to discourage him from seeing him and not tell him that he was anywhere nearby. She couldn't face those pleading eyes of his, begging for an answer, so she busied herself with adjusting his pillow, quickly responding. "Um. I don't know. Ah, I'm gonna go get the nurse now ok? And while I'm gone don't you dare read the end of my book like ya always do. Ya know I hate it when ya spoil the endings." She leaned over to kiss his cheek briefly. "Welcome back to the land of the living, ya big dope." Before he could ask any more questions, she rapidly left the room. 

While he waited for her to come back, he let his eyes drift shut for a minute or two. Wishfully thinking that maybe she'd find Ben and bring him back with her, since he longed to see his lover again. Ray grinned to himself thinking that Benny was probably the best prescription for his recovery right now. He opened his eyes eagerly when he heard footsteps and voices outside his door and then entering. But Ben wasn't with them. It was his mother and a doctor approaching his bedside, one on each side. 

Ray's expression turned shame faced upon seeing his mother again. It had been two months since he'd truly spoken with her. They'd seen each other briefly twice in that time, when they couldn't help it, at some family function or another. But each time she'd managed to get him alone, she would tell him to break off his relationship to Ben and see the priest to confess and absolve his sin. But then afterwards he'd see Ben and soon ignore once again those seeds she was trying to plant to separate them. Seeing her now in the hospital, without her even having said a word yet, had a way of making him feel dirty and confused all over again. 

She smiled broadly when she saw he was awake, placing a kiss to his forehead and clucking happily over him as the doctor examined him and discussed his condition. When the doctor had left them alone she took a seat next to him. He felt uncomfortable. At one time he thought he could never have felt this way around his own mother. 

Mrs Vecchio quietly spoke. "I know what you want to ask me Raymondo." He looked hopeful and expectant that she'd answer the question that was so important to him right now. His heart broke when he heard her response to his silent question of *Where's Benny?* "He's gone caro. He's a good man, who knows now that what you had done was very wrong. He did the right thing. He left. He won't be back. Its for the best. Its over." 

His eyes widened in disbelief at what she was telling him. He never would have thought that Ben could leave him. But he knew his friend's penchant for doing what he thought was the 'right' thing, regardless of whether or not Ray thought it was. All he managed to get out was a choked. "But he..." She spoke over him firmly. "Its over Raymondo." 

She knew he'd be upset by what she told him, but she had to tell him this lie, in order to steer him away from damnation. It was worth it if this pain now would spare him a worse fate for his soul. However she wasn't prepared for the depth of his reaction to her words. He had turned his head to the side to look away from her, sadly saying. "No. No. He wouldn't leave me? He can't leave me." She spoke again as she placed a soothing hand to his cheek. "Caro let him go. Its for the best. He knows that. You will too." 

She didn't notice that his monitors were starting to show signs of his distress, but his next words got her attention. "I wish I were dead." At hearing this, she began to cry. "Oh no. No you don't." His body was trembling with sobs escaping him now. Suddenly, to her horror, he began pulling out the tubes and wiring from his body. Despite his weakened condition, he was strong when it came to this mission he had to hurt himself. She tried to stop his hands with her own and her worried pleas, but wasn't successful. Frightened she ran to fetch help. 

Mrs Vecchio soon came back with reinforcements in tow. The medical staff came to Ray's aid efficiently and quickly. He was having trouble breathing again, having removed the oxygen tube that he'd had in his nose earlier. Monitors were shrieking from having been unhooked. He was unconscious as they worked to bring him back to a stable condition again. 

******************************************** 

This time when he awoke Maria was there. She was knitting what appeared to be a sweater for one of her children. Maria hadn't seen his eyes open, so he closed them again pretending to sleep. He listened to the quiet rhythmic clinking of her needles as he lay there thinking. He recalled with a pang of deep rooted sadness what his mother had told him about Ben being gone. The pain of it was worse than any of his current physical injuries. He played over the scenario in his head, believing it must be true. He believed that when found out by other's, Ben couldn't handle their relationship. He didn't fault him. He still loved him. Probably always would he figured. But what hurt most was that Ben didn't stay around to make sure he was alright and couldn't break up with him to his face. 

He must have dozed off for a while, because now Maria was replaced by Mrs Vecchio and father Rinaldi. They tried to get his attention, but he didn't want to talk. But they wouldn't be deterred by his silence, so at last he relented. He heard them out. Being confused and not having Ben any more made him wonder if they weren't right after all. He was starting to be persuaded to their way of thinking now, much to his mother's delight. She left his room quite pleased and feeling that her son was on the path to salvation now. 

*************************************** 

There it was again. Someone was calling his name. He slowly climbed from the depths of sleep, rewarded when he opened his eyes to see his lover was standing next to him. His beautiful Ben was looking him over carefully with a great amount of love and concern. Still foggy with sleep, Ray reasoned that he must be dreaming this. Ben wasn't here. He had been told he was gone. Someone even told him that Ben had gone back to Canada. 

When he felt the cold metal of a handcuff encircle his wrist he was startled, but when Ben placed its mate on his own wrist he smiled sleepily and accepted it. Especially when he could feel the bed shift and Ben slip in next to him, gathering him to his chest in a protective comforting embrace. He felt a kiss to his temple, then Ben telling him. "No one will ever keep us apart again Ray." Ray slept the best he had since he got there. 

*************************************** 

There was the sound of an angry voice breaking into his peaceful sleep. "Oh dear god NO! I told you to leave! You're aiding the devil. This... this... is an abomination!" Ray was trying hard to awaken now, only able to groggily get out a "Ma?" She ignored him as she walked over to the bed and lifted the link of the handcuffs at their wrists. "Remove this at once! You can't have him!" Ray turned to watch his lover, who was on the verge of tears, steel himself as he spoke forcefully. "NO! You won't separate me from him again!" 

Ray had never seen his mother, or for that matter Ben, so angry before. It was as if a stranger had taken the place of his mother. He stared at her in shock, especially when she said. "He's seen the truth now. He wants to be saved. He said so. Tell him Raymondo." She was looking directly at him now. Ray closed his eyes briefly, feeling sick to his stomach. He could feel Ben shift to turn to him, with a worried look at what Ray would say. "Ma, I really don't want to hurt you. I love you, but I love Benny too. I'm not going to leave him." Her eyes spit fire as did her next words. "My Raymondo is dead! You're a stranger to me! I don't ever want to see either of you again!" She stormed out of the room then, slamming the door behind her. 

Ray moved in close to Ben, burrowing his head in the crook of his shoulder, as he cried. Ben tried to be careful of his injuries and the monitor wires hooked to him. He soothed Ray with loving endearments, gentle caresses and kisses. "Shhh. I'm so sorry Ray. I love you. We'll get through this together. I promise." Fearful at the sight and feel of his lover's painful racking sobs, he snaked a hand, unseen by Ray, behind him to press the emergency call button. Ray had suffered damage to a lung due to the bullet, as well as breaking some bones from his fall. Ben could hear the unhealthy sound in his friend's breathing as well as see the pain it was causing him to be crying like this. 

In barely any time at all, David, the nurse entered. Ray hadn't noticed. Ben entreated fearfully. "Please. Can you get him a sedative or something? To help calm him? He's hurting himself." David left and in moments came back with additional people, a security guard and the doctor, who gave Ray a shot of something which put him out. 

"He'll sleep for a couple of hours. What's going on here?", demanded the doctor, especially pointing to the handcuffs on Ben and Ray's wrists. "What are you doing to him Mr Fraser? I can't have you upsetting my patients and handcuffing yourself to them." Fraser looked stricken, that the doctor was accusing him of upsetting Ray. "Please, you've got to understand. His mother was here earlier and disowned him for being with me. The handcuffs are a bit much, I know, but this was the only way I could be assured of not being separated from him again. He's ok with it. We don't want to be separated. If he were awake he'd tell you so himself." 

The nurse, David, came to his defense. "He's telling the truth Doctor Fuller. She did come storming out of the room a few minutes before I entered. Mr Fraser has actually been a good influence on Mr Vecchio's vitals. You can see from the chart they improved since he came in here last night." The doctor still eyed Fraser skeptically, but relented. 

Nodding to the security guard he'd brought in with them, who hovered close to Fraser, the doctor spoke. "Johnson?" The man responded. "Yes doctor?" Dr. Fuller spoke again. "If Mr. Fraser does not remove the handcuffs within 5 minutes and move off of the bed, you'll need to take action. If he does as requested in that time frame, then he has my permission to remain in the room with Mr Vecchio. Is that understood?" This last part he addressed to Ben. Both the security guard and Ben responded, almost at the same time. "Yes." However Ben added a "Thank-you kindly doctor." as he began to undo the cuffs and slid carefully away from his lover. 

Ben's hand gently wiped away the evidence of tears from Ray's face, before he took up a vigil in the chair next to his friend's bed side. Having settled himself comfortably there, he reached over to hold Ray's good hand. Satisfied by what he was seeing, that Ben was indeed going to be cooperative and a good influence, the doctor dismissed the security guard. Before leaving, the doctor gave David instructions; leaned over Ray to check him over one more time; then reiterated his conditions on Ben's staying in the room. "The minute I hear anything that makes me feel your presence is upsetting Mr Vecchio *you will* be removed. I do not - I repeat - *do not* want to see handcuffs in here again." At this he held out his hand signaling that Ben should hand them over, which he did. "Understood sir." Ben breathed a sigh of relief when he was at last left alone with the one person in the world he most needed to be with. 

**************************************** 

"Here, let me help you." Ben quickly positioned himself so that he was at his lover's side, with his arm slipped through his friend's to lend him support as Ray gingerly walked up the stairs at the front of the apartment complex. Ray half-smiled, paying deliberate attention to putting one foot in front of the other. "Thanks Benny." 

They stopped at the top of the steps. Ben reached out to open the door for them both. He motioned for Diefenbaker to go on ahead of them, which the wolf did. But Dief never went too far ahead and kept turning to watch them, making sure, like Ben, that Ray was ok. Ray tired easily when he exerted himself even for simple things like short walks and often needed to catch his breath, but recently Ben had noticed an improvement in that the timeframes were getting longer between these bouts of fatigue. 

Ray had been in the hospital recuperating for several weeks and today finally marked the day he was coming home. Ben had dropped by Ray's apartment the day before to make sure it was immaculate and to familiarize himself with where everything was. Because he had only learned of the place since Ray had been admitted to the hospital. 

He'd taken two weeks off from work to stay with his lover to take care of him. Ben had been at the hospital every day to check in on his lover's progress and entertain him and often lent him support and encouragement during his physical therapy sessions, when he'd been allowed to attend them. 

They didn't really talk about the incident with Mrs Vecchio. Ben had been sad to see that most of Ray's family didn't come to visit or call him any more. Maria had been one of the only one's to show she still cared, by calling periodically, but never came to visit. Frannie hadn't come by or even called since the final falling out with Mrs Vecchio. He'd always known how important family was to Ray and his loss of family hurt Ben to see and made him feel guilty that it was because of him, that they weren't there for Ray any more. But when he'd try to talk to him about it, Ray would shrug it off, pretending not to be phased by it saying "You're the only family I need Benny." 

Even some of their mutual friends made themselves scarce. Word spread fast that they were a couple and he knew that made many people uncomfortable or outright reject them. He was heartened though that some of their friends had stood by them like Welsh and Huey. Elaine he could tell was uncomfortable with the situation, but she seemed to try to understand. 

He hadn't told Ray about the awkwardness at the consulate between himself and Inspector Thatcher. Now that his relationship to Ray was out in the open, as well as his behavior those first days at the hospital, she treated him differently. Often times trying to avoid him all together. He was certain that others in the RCMP, that he had known and befriended in the past, probably heard by now. He kept waiting for a review board hearing, thinking they would term his lifestyle, 'conduct unbecoming of an RCMP officer'. 

Ben opened the door to Ray's apartment. With concern he noted the flushed look on Ray's face. "Are you ok sweetheart?" Ray nodded. "Yeah. I'm ok Benny. Well here it is. Home sweet home. Hey, that's funny. I don't remember it being so clean when I left it. Must be those housecleaning elves again." "Must be.", Ben replied chuckling as he led Ray further into the apartment. 

Diefenbaker already staked out his territory in Ray's apartment. He basked in a patch of sunlight streaming in by the balcony's sliding doors. Fraser had spoken to the super of the apartment a couple of times. Once to pay Ray's rent and another time to explain that he would be staying with Ray for a little while to help him out, and that he had a pet that was going to be staying there as well. He'd told him Diefenbaker was used for police work and needed to be with him. The super wasn't too keen on the idea of Dief being there, but relented in the end, having met the wolf then. Dief had been on exceptionally good behavior when Fraser explained the situation to the wolf earlier. 

Ray insisted on sitting on the couch instead of going into the bedroom. "I'm tired of lying in bed. I'll just stay here for now, to make sure the couch doesn't levitate." Fraser kissed his temple. "Ok Ray. Stay put. I'll be right back." He left him there to go get Ray's bag and his own from the Riviera parked downstairs. When he returned his heart skipped a beat when he didn't see Ray on the couch. "Ray? Where are you?" 

He felt a draft in the living room and noticed that his lover and Dief were outside on the balcony. He saw Ray leaning heavily on the railing to keep himself upright. Coming up silently behind him he felt his friend jump a little when he slipped his arms around Ray's waist from behind. "You're not doing your job Ray. I think I saw the couch move. What are you doing out here?" Ray laughed lightly as he leaned back against him. "Needed some fresh air, to clear my head. I hate feeling like this. So... I don't know. Helpless." Ben knew he was referring to more than just his physical limitations right now, but the emotional as well, which were brought on by their being out in the open about their relationship. 

Ben tried to reassure him and at the same time himself. "I know its hard, but I'm right here by your side Ray. We'll get through this." Ben loosened his hold a little when he felt Ray wanting to turn in his embrace. Ray's hands came up to cup his face. "Just keep reminding me, ok Benny?" Ben whispered. "Here's your first reminder." He touched his lips to Ray's, to give him a brief kiss. 

Their kisses were brief since the shooting, because Ben knew the drawn out intensive kisses they once shared would most likely leave his lover too winded now. Ray had promised him that that was one of his first priorities to bring back to full health, since he missed them too and the passionate love making they once shared. Ben constantly reassured him that he was a patient man and could wait and would greedily take whatever affections Ray felt capable of giving him at any given time. 

******************************* 

The two weeks they spent together at Ray's place went by too quickly to suit them. They found that they were actually quite compatible room mates, despite having to come to compromises on certain issues of just day-to-day routines and ways of doing things. 

Since it was their last dinner before Fraser was to go back to work and his own apartment the next day, Ray had insisted on making them dinner. This had surprised Ben, since he'd never had anything that Ray cooked before. They usually ate out or at the Vecchio's. He was a little worried about his friend's culinary skills, but decided to give him a chance, especially to encourage Ray to get back into doing more things for himself. 

Ben knew how overprotective and babying he had been towards his lover at first, to the point where Ray had balled him out recently. He recalled how Ray had been about to shave and he kept hovering trying to interfere, wanting to do it for him. The cast on his lover's arm had been off for a day at that time. Slapping away Ben's hands, Ray snapped. "Benny cut it out! I can do it myself. I need to do things for myself now." Ben backed off with sudden realization at that point. Ray had been so dependent on him at the beginning for things they normally took for granted, like shaving, that he'd found that he'd grown used to this role he'd adopted. That he had come to like the feeling of being so needed by Ray. 

Ray was walking much better now and could do more without losing his breath or tiring himself out like before. He still had his moments, but they were becoming fewer and far between. "Are you sure I can't help you with anything Ray?" he said as he leaned on the counter opening in the wall that separated the living room from the kitchen. Ray just waved his hand behind him. "Naw. I'm all set for the most part. But if you really want to do something. You can finish setting the table. And open the wine." Ben didn't have to be told twice, he did as asked and a few minutes later Ray entered the dining area with the first dishes of the meal he had prepared for them. 

When all the dishes were on the table Ray joined him. They talked and joked enjoying each other's company. Coming to the end of the meal, after having seconds, Ben had to admit his friend was actually a very decent cook. "Ray this was excellent. Any time you want to cook again. I won't complain." Ray smiled. "Thanks Benny. But don't expect me to cook every night. Did you save room for dessert?" Ben grinned. "I think I can find some room." 

Ben helped clear away the dishes, carrying them into the kitchen with his friend. Ray shooed him back out to the dining room as he got their dessert. He came back in with two covered plates. Placing one before his lover and the other in front of himself. 

Ben hadn't started on his dessert fast enough to suit Ray apparently. "What are you waiting for Benny?" Ben responded "For you." then lifted the cover to find a set of keys on his plate. Puzzled and teasing he lifted them up. "Are these edible Ray?" Ray laughed. "Not unless you like to chew on metal." Ben smiled. "Not one of my habits. No." Ray grew serious. "Benny I love ya. You've been there for me throughout this whole ordeal and even before. When I moved to this place, I made up these spare keys. There's a set for the Riv and a set for this apartment. I've really liked having ya around these past two weeks. I hate to see ya go. Would ya consider moving in with me for good?" 

Ben was stunned, but he realized he shouldn't have been. It made so much sense to him, that he couldn't imagine not accepting. Like Ray he'd gotten used to and enjoyed having his lover around too. The pause to answer him made Ray worry. "I'll... I'll try to understand if ya don't want to." 

Ben leaned over, placing his hand behind Ray's head to push him towards him. "I'd like to Ray. I'd like to very much.", then kissed him to seal the deal. Ben was surprised to feel Ray's kiss intensifying and when he tried to pull away a little out of concern for his friend, Ray wouldn't let him. 

If this was any indication, he could see that his lover was definitely on the road to a full recovery and Ben promised himself he'd help make sure of it. It was Ben who broke the kiss first, needing to catch his breath. Ray did too, but he seemed ok. Ray excitedly asked. "When can you move in? Do you need help getting your things?" Ben laughed lightly. "Ray, I don't have much in the way of material possessions. I don't need them. The only thing that matters to me is already here. And you're all I'll ever need." 

*********************************************************** 

The first day back. Felt like the first day he started this job. The same feelings were there: nervous, unsure, apprehensive, afraid. The same questions went through his head as when he first entered here, so many years ago: What would his co-workers make of him? Would he fit in? 

As soon as he approached the familiar, yet with the time away from it, somewhat foreign seeming building, his stomach started flip-flopping. He almost drove by it. Telling himself he wasn't ready to go back to work yet. But he knew he was. He'd been on disability leave for several months. Months he needed to heal from his wounds both physical and mental. 

Ben had been terrific, and as always helpful, throughout his whole recuperating process. He smiled to himself every time he thought of how close they'd become, now that they lived together as well. It was if they'd lived together forever, rather than just 2 months. He realized he could easily put up with the mountie's idiosyncracies, one being his periodic urges to sleep on the floor or the balcony. Ray found himself amazed that he actually would join him there. 

He was relieved that Ben could put up with his own strange habits. Ray knew he wasn't an easy person to live with. His sisters and even Angie, when they were married, had reminded him of this fact many times. Ray and Ben bickered sometimes, but not more than they always did before they were lovers. To be truthful it was actually less often than before. Now, most times, the bickering ended usually in a compromise or an agreeing to disagree and a kiss. 

Thinking of Benny helped strengthen him for what he was about to do now. Ben had offered to go with him for moral support, but he'd waved him off saying it was something he had to face on his own first. Ray had been given the doctor's blessing, in the form of a letter sent to Welsh, that he was able to perform his duties once more. He couldn't tell Ben that he was terrified of going here alone. He wished he did have his lover with him now, but knew that it would be worse if he was. He couldn't stand the thought of being rejected by people who were his co-workers and friends, it would by twice as bad if Ben were here to hear and face that as well. He wanted to spare him. Hell he wanted to spare himself. 

Ray almost turned around at the door, but found himself saying, *What would Benny do?* The answer came back immediately. *He'd face his fears and move on.* The thought buoyed him and helped it so that his hand pushed open the squadroom door at the 27th precinct. It was still early. He hadn't really run into anyone yet when he came up the stairs to come to this point. *Now or never.* came the thought as he let out a deep breath and walked over to his desk. As he approached it he was stopped by Elaine. 

He was thankful to see her here. It had taken her a little while to get used to the idea of his and Fraser's relationship. She'd been a little uncomfortable at first, but she'd overcome it and ever since had been a truly good friend to them both. He knew how she felt towards Ben, knew how most women felt towards him, even when Ben didn't notice. And most times he didn't. Ray's insecurities would kick in whenever he thought about it. He imagined that the women in the precinct, heck most women that met him and Ben, would look at him and think of the mountie and say 'What a waste of a gorgeous mountie. Why did he choose Ray?' A question that he sometimes asked himself, whenever he felt he didn't deserve his lover. 

Elaine was hugging him and kissed his cheek. "Welcome back Ray. How do you feel?" Ray gave her an unsure half-smile. "Thanks Elaine. I don't know yet. Ask me again in an hour." She smiled back. "It'll be ok. You'll see. You'll be back to bossing me around and snipping at Huey in no time. Then I'll know you're feeling better." Welsh popped his head out of his office and signalled Ray over. "Vecchio, I'd like to see you a moment." Elaine moved back to her desk, as Ray followed the summons. 

He entered the office of his boss and friend. Ray began to consider Welsh a friend, for a while now, especially when he heard what he did for Benny at the hospital. Ben didn't talk about it much, but he'd been able to drag some of the details out of him, and most of them out of Huey, about what went on before he awoke to find his lover handcuffed to himself. A very unusual tactic, which he'd learned had been a drastic manuever on Ben's part to be able to see and stay with him. Ray had been saddened and angered to hear how his lover suffered being ostracized as he had. If he'd been in Ben's shoes, he knew he wouldn't have been able to stand it. 

"Hello Vecchio. Welcome back. Shut the door." Ray did as requested. "Good morning sir. Thanks." Welsh eyed him speculatively. "I know what you're gonna say to this, so I'll answer first by saying 'no'. I have the letter from your doctor here. Says you're fine, but recommends light duty for at least a week. So I expect to see you at your desk working on that stack of folders I put there. Got it?" Ray turned at that last to look out the office window towards his desk and winced at the sight. He hated paperwork assignments and Welsh knew it all too well. The expression wasn't missed by his boss or the under the breath "Oh man. That doesn't look light." escaping Ray's mouth. Welsh countered with. "This isn't a punishment Vecchio. Start with this and when I think you're ready, we'll talk again about getting you back to more regular duties." The thought of being cooped up in the squadroom most of the day didn't thrill him. He started to argue the case. "I'm ready now boss. I can handle reg..." Welsh cut him off with an authoritative glare. "I think you've got a memory problem Vecchio. Remember what I answered to this already?" Ray gave him a puzzled look for a second, then recalled the statement his boss had made first thing. "Yes sir. Understood. I'm on it now sir." 

It felt strange and familiar at the same time as he sat at his desk, sorting through the stack of folders. There was another stack with a large rubber band around it with a brief no nonsense note from Louise stuck on top. It was a reminder to read through the material she gave him, for a nasty case he was involved with, which was going to trial next week. 

When he shifted one set of folders he noticed a small sheet of paper fall to the floor. He leaned over to pick it up. Sitting staring at it, his expression must have concerned Elaine, because she was approaching him. He shook himself and crumpled up the paper in his hand before she could see it. "You ok Ray?" She handed him a cup of coffee and eyed him compassionately. Crankily he replied. "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Its nothing." 

She moved away again, not wanting to press. He was glad she didn't, because he certainly wasn't about to tell her about the 'welcome back' note he'd just seen from someone else in the precinct. Of course it had been anonymous, but its meaning was clear. He should have expected it. The note wasn't so much that as a crude picture of two men in the throes of sex with the hand written message underneath 'Aids magnet'. His eyes scanned the room and he began to catalogue the people there, whether they were at their desks or not, as either: friend or potential foe. There weren't too many on the friend side yet. 

************************************* 

He'd been back almost a full week now. Ben had wanted to come by the precinct to visit with him during it, but Ray made excuses for him to stay away for now. He wouldn't tell him the real reason why he didn't want him there. He didn't tell his lover about the harassing messages and surprises that kept showing up at his desk and locker during the week. Didn't tell anyone. Just kept it to himself and the anger, hurt and distrust of his coworkers started to build. The paranoia growing whenever he heard hushed conversations around him or caught someone's guilty eyes stopping a conversation when he approached. 

He'd been in the locker room the other day and almost slugged Klewicki because of it. If it hadn't been for Huey blocking him, he would have. Klewicki had walked into the locker room with another officer and was in the middle of telling an color joke that involved homosexuality. He hadn't aimed it at Ray, but Ray took it that way having been on edge over his mystery tormentor(s). It was an awkward moment, when Klewicki realized Ray was there and glaring at him, with Huey's hand on his arm to keep him back. Klewicki looked stunned and apologized to him. He'd sought Ray out later that day as well to let him know he didn't mean anything by it and didn't have a problem with Ray's lifestyle. Had a cousin who was gay and had actually gotten the joke from him. 

"I think its suffered enough Ray." Ray's eyes lifted up from his plate, where he'd been shifting his food from one end of the plate to the other and mashing it into an unrecognizable mess. "Hunh? What?" Ben smiled over at him and grabbed the hand which finally put down the fork. "Yesterday when you barely ate and mangled my attempt at making ravioli, I thought it was just your way of telling me you didn't like it. But tonight you're doing it again and this time you cooked. Something's bothering you. You've been edgy and pensive all week. Is it being back at work?" Ray clasped the hand in his and felt the reassuring squeeze back. "Yeah, kind of." Ray immediately added after, "But its nothing I can't handle." 

Fraser looked at him with concern. "Is it about us? Is that why you won't let me come by to see you there?" Ray looked away, trying to avoid those insightful blue eyes. "Yeah, kind of." was the repeated answer. He wanted to lie, but he knew it wouldn't work, because he hated lying to Ben. 

Ben's free hand caressed his cheek and at the same time forced him to face him again. "Tell me Ray. Don't lock it away, because I know you. You're going to end up punching someone soon. I can feel it." Ray chuckled at that. "Man you do know me too well. I overreacted yesterday and almost decked Klewicki. Thank god Huey blocked me, else Welsh would have kicked my sorry butt out of there my first week back." 

Fraser's face became serious and compassionate. "Why'd you want to hit him Ray?" Ray gave a forced half-laugh. "Hell, I've wanted to hit almost all of them since I came back." Fraser furrowed his brow. "Why?" Ray looked away for a minute, then blew out a heavy breath when he came to a decision. "Cuz every time I look around I don't know who's gonna say or do something to me first. I feel like people are judging me. Talking about me in ways I don't wanna be talked about. Or because someone's been sending me messages all week. First day back and already it started. Why can't it go back to like it was before Benny? Why's my choice of who I love such a problem for people?" Ben's other hand moved to rest on top of their clasped hands. "It shouldn't be Ray. But it is. I wish it wasn't, because I hate to see you hurt by it. I'm so sorry Ray. I'm sorry I've caused you so much pain." 

Ray startled at the realization that his lover felt guilty for something that wasn't his fault. "Oh god Benny. No." Ben spoke in a sad whisper interrupting him. "First you lost your family because of me. Now this." Ray brought his free hand up to place behind Ben's head pushing him towards him as he leaned forward. "Shh. You're not my pain, you're my pleasure.", then placed his lips on Ben's for a kiss. Pulling away slightly he spoke again. "You're all that matters to me. Everyone and everything can just take a flying leap." He kissed him again, this time more passionately. 

When they pulled away, "Ray, tell me about the messages. Maybe I can help figure out who's doing this to you? Maybe you should tell Welsh?" Ray looked appalled. "Aw Benny, I can't." Ben looked skeptically over at him. "You can't what? Tell me or tell Welsh or both?" Ray nodded. "That's not an answer Ray. This concerns me too you know. What hurts you, hurts me." Ray looked away briefly, steeling himself for when he looked back to respond. "Benny I can take care of it myself. I don't need to run to Welsh like a tattle tale. As for telling you. I don't want to share that ugliness." Fraser gave him his best no nonsense look. "Ray. Stop trying to shelter me. I'm an adult and a mountie. I can handle it." 

Ray gave in and shared the incidents of harassment he'd endured during the week. It felt good to release this tension and hurt that was building inside him. From that first picture and message, to other nasty messages and 'presents', like mutilated condoms, he'd find in his desk and locker. As he spoke he got angrier and angrier, ending with "Man when I find the bastard, he's gonna wish..." His threat was cut off, by one which didn't come out of his mouth. "He's going to wish he'd never been born, if I find him first." The flashing lightening blue eyes and venom dripping voice sounded strange coming out of his lover. At the same time sobering him out of his own angered state. "Oh my hero." Ray joked to lighten the mood and leaned over to kiss his angry lover. "Let's talk about something else now." 

Fraser smiled into his mouth, picking up on his playful tone. "Like what?" Ray obliged. "Like what's for dessert?" Fraser teased by pretending to take him literally. "Well there's still a doughnut left, if Dief hasn't gotten to it already. Then there's..." Ray chuckled. "That's not what I had in mind. This is more like what I had in mind for dessert." At that he stood up, went into the kitchen and quickly came back with a squeeze bottle of chocolate syrup. Ben tried to seem naive. "But we don't have any ice cream Ray." Ray gave him a devilish smile and there was a glint in his eye. "We'll improvise.", he replied as he touched his lover's lips with a chocolate coated finger. And that was just the beginning. 

***************************************************** 

Ray yawned as he flipped the page of the case report he was reading, and without looking tried to reach out for a cup of coffee that he knew was somewhere nearby on his desk. He couldn't find it, but out of the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of red. "Whoa. That was close Ray." Fraser proceeded to sit in the chair at the side of his desk, with a cup of coffee, which he rescued from being knocked over, in his hands. "Hi Benny." Fraser eyed the coffee suspiciously. "Hello Ray. You're not seriously planning on drinking this are you? Not even I want to taste it. Besides its gone cold." Ray smiled over at him, it felt good to have his friend here again. Taking the cup from his friend's hands he put it to his lips and deliberately took a sip. He scrunched up his face. "You're right. Why don't I listen to you?" Ben laughed. This was the first time Fraser had come to the squadroom since the shooting. 

Ben looked around the room, noting the subtle changes here during the months he'd been away. "Ah, I see Elaine finally got her desk ergonomically designed." As he remarked on the small changes he noticed, Elaine and Huey walked over to greet him. Elaine started by placing a kiss on his cheek. "Hi Fraser. Nice to see you again." She hadn't seen him since she'd visited Ray while he was recuperating in the hospital. She'd stopped by the apartment a couple of times since then as well, but Fraser had always been at work. 

They small talked briefly until they were interrupted by a loud slamming of Welsh's office door. A newer officer that Ray didn't know all that well, since she'd only just been transferred in a couple of months before he'd been shot, came storming out. She walked by their small group and glared over at Ray. "What you staring at faggot?" Then she eyed Fraser appreciatively and spat out disgustedly to him. "Man, what a waste." as she continued on her way out the door. An angry Welsh wasn't too far behind her. Huey and Elaine's jaws dropped. Fraser reached over and tugged down on Ray's arm to keep him in his seat, when he saw him start to rise out of it. "The Lieutenant will handle it Ray." When he felt Ray settle back down, he still kept his hand on his arm for a minute more, then let it slide nonchalantly to the back of Ray's hand quickly and released him. 

Later they'd find out that Welsh had spotted her tampering with Ray's desk earlier. When he'd confronted her about it, she'd accused Ray of all sorts of unsavory conduct in the squadroom. Welsh knew the stories she told of seeing Ray with someone in the interrogation room in a compromising situation was just plain ridiculous. Especially when she said who it was with - Klewicki. Her partner, with whom she wasn't getting along. Besides that, Welsh knew that one thing he was sure of was that Ray wouldn't cheat on Fraser. Not after what he'd witnessed in that hospital just a short time ago. 

********************************************************** 

Eight months later... 

Ben sat on the floor with his back against the couch, reading. Diefenbaker lay to his side and he draped his free hand on the soft fur. Ray shook his head in wonderment the first time he ever saw him seated like this, coupled with Ben's desire to sleep on the floor or the balcony sometimes. Saying what was the point of having furniture if Ben never used it. Ben tried to explain that it was more comfortable for him this way, besides he liked having Diefenbaker at his side like this. It relaxed him and he needed to spend some quality time with his wolf. They'd already gone out earlier to practice Diefenbaker's hunting skills again. He and the wolf did this once a week now and he was pleased to notice that Diefenbaker was improving. 

There was a light knock on the door. Almost as if the person on the other side didn't want it to be heard, but Fraser had exceptional hearing. The person could have used the doorbell, but they opted not to for some reason. He rose from the floor and bound over to the door in a few quick strides. He was surprised by who he saw on the other side. "Hello Francesca, Maria. Please come in." He moved to let them pass by him. 

But they hadn't moved to enter yet and Francesca looked very uncomfortable, as if any moment she'd flee, so Maria was the one to take charge. "Hi Fraser. Is Ray here?" Ben shook his head. "Unfortunately he's not here at the moment. He should be here any minute though, if you'd care to wait..." He tried to motion them inside again. "Please come in." Maria started to enter, but Francesca was still hesitant until Diefenbaker nuzzled her hand. She smiled down at the wolf and began to scratch behind his ears affectionately. "Hiya Dief." Dief led her into the apartment. After they insisted on a tour of the apartment, Ben led them to the dining area and played host. After he made them feel comfortable they sat around the table and they made part of the business they had with Ray known to him. 

Maria, who had kept in contact with them during Ray's stay at the hospital, but stopped when he had first come home, seemed more at ease talking with him than Francesca. "You've gotta understand. Ma really does love Ray. She misses him too. She's just from a very traditional italian catholic upbringing. Its hard for her to reconcile this relationship of your's." Frannie eyed him and took over. "Its been hard for us to reconcile it too. I'm sorry if we've...I've hurt you. But its... well its..." He reached over and placed a hand on top of Frannie's. "I know. Its ok. I understand. I'm just glad you're here now. Ray will be thrilled to see you both. If I'm not mistaken I think he's at the door now. Excuse me." He got up from the table quickly to go to the door. 

His expression one of eager happiness to have his lover home again, wasn't missed by the two women seated at the table, watching with amusement as he was there at the door as soon as it opened. "Hello Ray. We've got..." Ray's answering smile, when he saw him there was noticed by the two sisters as well. It was a little disconcerting when they saw their brother's response to Ben. "Hi sweetheart." with a quick embrace and kiss was Ray's greeting. Ray didn't miss seeing the red flush that crept into his friend's pale features. Ben felt funny about this open display of affection, since he and Ray had never had anyone around before watching. Ray gave Ben a quizzical look. "Benny you're blushing. What's up? 'We've got' what?" Then he beamed a radiant smile when he turned to notice they had company and saw Ben's sheepish grin. "Oh. Is that what you were trying to tell me?" 

With a few quick steps he was away from Ben and over to his sisters in seconds. He swept a smiling Maria into his arms first since she was the closest. "Oh god its good to see you again." He placed an exuberant kiss on her cheek then released her. Then went to Frannie who he pulled into a warm embrace with a kiss as well. "Man I've missed you." They returned the gestures with equal enthusiasm. 

Then his expression turned to one of concern. "Is everyone ok? You? The kids?... Ma?" Ben had joined them back at the table, where he and Ray now sat along with Maria and Francesca. Frannie spoke up now with some difficulty. "Ma's not doing too well Ray. She um... she had a stroke." 

Under the table, Ben reached over to touch Ray to lend him support. The touch back let him know the gesture was appreciated. Ray's eyes closed briefly as he sucked in a breath. "When?" Frannie spoke again, but this time there were tears in her eyes. "Three days ago. Doctors say they don't think she'll ah... make it." The tears openly coursed down her cheeks now. Maria took over. "We were on our way over to the hospital this afternoon and decided we needed to tell you. It wouldn't be right not to tell you." Ray had gotten up from his seat to comfort Frannie, who was still weeping, while Maria spoke. 

"I want to go with you." Maria looked apologetic. "Ray she still doesn't want to see you." Ray's face was pained. "Yeah, well I want to see her. I'll wait outside if I have to. But I'm going with ya." 

Fifteen minutes later they were at the hospital. Ray and Fraser in the waiting room and Frannie and Maria had gone right into their mother's room, relieving their aunt Cecilia, their mother's sister. Ray wanted so badly to go into the room as well. Felt it was his place to be there too, but Maria had pushed him away gently with a sad reminder. "Ray. Wait. She's in and out alot. I'll see what I can do. Ok?" Fraser had been on the other side of him and gently turned him with an arm around his shoulders as he led him to the waiting room. 

While he was there, he saw his aunt approach and grew hopeful. "Buona sera zia Cecilia?" Instead she spoke angrily at him in Italian, pointing her finger accusatorily at him. "You shouldn't be here Raymondo. You brought this on her. She's on her deathbed because of you. You should be ashamed. Stop your sinning. Go and pray for her. And for yourself." Then she left in tears and disgust. 

Fraser didn't need to speak italian, when he saw his lover's sad eyes grow wider with everything she said. Then he closed them leaning his head against the wall when she left. "Oh god Benny. This is torture." Ben didn't say it out loud. *Yes it is. More than you realize.*, since he knew exactly how Ray felt. Ben knew all too well what it was like to be in this hospital, waiting to hear any scrap of news about someone he loved near death, forbidden to see them and ostracized by those around him. The old wound, which had begun to heal was opening again fresh, while he sat here with Ray and waited. He was thankful at least that he could be here for his lover, to lend him his support at this difficult time. 

Maria had left the room a couple of hours later and stopped by to give them a status. She had to go home to her husband and children. Frannie was going to stay with their mother through the rest of the night. Maria was going to come back in the morning. Before she left she let him know, "Ray, she's really out of it. I tried to ask her, but she... I'm sorry. Not yet ok? I'm so sorry. Why don't you come back tomorrow morning when I do? Ok?" Ben backed up her suggestion, seeing how exhausted Ray was getting. Ray pleaded, "Can I just go to the door first? Please. I won't go in. I promise." She nodded. "Ok. The door for five minutes. No further. I'll tell Frannie, alright?" He smiled his thanks as he nodded. "Yeah." 

Maria had left for home when he stood at the door to his mother's hospital room, looking over at the woman in the bed that once called him her son. He didn't notice the tears that silently ran down his face, but Frannie did. She leaned over to her mother trying to get her attention. "Ma? Ray's here and wants to see you." She couldn't understand her response. But it seemed more sad than angry. 

Frannie noticed her mother had managed to turn her face to look over at the door. Ray was about to leave, his five minutes were up. At the sight, Frannie noticed her mother's agitation when he started to go. Frannie called out. "Ray! Wait!" There was a soft squeeze of what Frannie took as a 'thanks' on her hand from her mother. 

Frannie asked. "Do you want him to stay ma?" Another light squeeze on her hand. "Ok ma. Ray. She wants to see you." As Ray approached the bed, Frannie relinquished her place at their mother's side to him. She whispered in Ray's ear when he took up their mother's hand. "One squeeze is 'yes'. Two is 'no'." The hand in his felt so weak. He lifted it and placed a kiss on it. She looked so fragile, he grew afraid he could hurt her with just his touch. 

Her eyes and mouth tried to say something, but he couldn't make out what it was. Frannie was still close by, so he looked to her for an interpretation, but she shrugged her shoulders. With his other hand he touched her face. "Ma. I love you. I'm sorry I disappointed you and wasn't a better son." She squeezed his hand twice then. "Forgive me." A single squeeze for that. He started to cry then, kissed her cheek and placed his head gently on her chest. She released his hand and placed it on his head. Slowly stroking him there. 

After a couple of minutes he sat up again, more in control of himself. He placed her hand back in his and sat with her until she fell asleep. In that time Frannie had left momentarily to talk with Fraser and then returned. Mrs Vecchio never woke up after that and died the next morning surrounded by all three of her children. 

THE END 

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